dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
