Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
