worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
