I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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