Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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