Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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