umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
