Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
