I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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