my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
