Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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