Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
