Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
