I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
