this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
