last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
