I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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