Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
