Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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