Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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