i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
