I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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