This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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