I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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