I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
