and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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