checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
