i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
