The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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