I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
