Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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