I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
