No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
