Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
