Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
