home. puking in laundry basket.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
