I CAN MOONWALK!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
