my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he thought i was a dude.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
