i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
