I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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