If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
