The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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