I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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