I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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