Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
