i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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