I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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