I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
