she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
