help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
